It has been a long time since i last updated my blog. Too lazy to write. Dan takut jugak kalau tulisan tak berfaedah sbb tahu i'm gonna spend a lot of time when writing. Tonight, i feel like nk tulis pasal sesuatu. Pasal DIRI.
Alhamdulillah, dah nk masuk setengah tahun di negara org, dan alhamdulillah sgalanya berjalan baik seadanya. Dalam klncaran pekerjaan hidup seharian, ada perkara yg masih 'jammed' dlm kesesakkan jahiliyyah, HATI. I'm not sure what im gonna write but here is my thought.
To be honest, dah lama tak rasa kemanisan to be a better Muslim. Sangat2 lama. Around 2-3 months after arriving in United States. I feel this way bcz everything is just fine. Even it isnt fine, i'll let it slips and do nothing to improve the condition. I'm just basically living day after day without doing nothing much except from watching dramas, sleeping, and eating. It just worthless when i come to think of it. As a result my first CGPA is beyond my expectation(worse). That a signal for me to be watched out in the future (now).
Apabila hidup rasa mcm tak ada apa2 nk dibuat dlm hidup (when there is a lot of things that i should do, but i just dont do it out of lazziness), rasa kosong sangat. Sangat2 kosong. Dan apabila stlah sebulan 'hooray-hooray' mengadap drama tetiba dtg panggilan utk join program(daurah). Seriously, wktu tu rasa TAK NAK join, but still join tanpa bantahan sbb tknk usrahmates tanya 'Kenapa?' 'Ok ke ni?' 'Ada masalah apa2 ke? Cuba share' yg mana soalan2 tu sgt suffocating utk dijawab. I really dont know how to give a direct answer to those kind of questions. People who know me well enough would know that i always ckp 'berlapik-berlapis-bertingkat2' yg buatkan bnda sesimpal 'ya, saya tak ok' tu pun payah nk keluar.
Sbb lain knpa tak bntab sbb program tu dminta djlnkan di rumah sendiri. Mmg peliklah tuan rumah tak join prgram sdgkan tuan rumah yg sorg lagi join. (Almaklumlah..pandangan manusia tu still dpt tmpat pertama than pndgn Allah, astaghfirullah)
Pengisian utk daurah wktu tu SAYONARA JAHILIYYAH!
Fuhhhh!! Mengeluh jap. Waktu tu hati mmg tgah berlangsung Battle of the year la,apalagi.. Cuba jugak pujukkan hati utk trima sgala teguran yg melibas dgn kencang di hati yg mmg dah nazak perlukan bntuan kecemasan. Ok,done with that. Tetiba malam program akak2 ni nak main nenek kebayan pulak dah majn tutup2 mata. Apa yg trlintas kat hati waktu tu 'nak buat org nangis la tu. Oh, pleaaaaase!! Tak mkn trick la.' Seriously tu la yg terlintas di hati. Rasa menyampah pun ada. Rasa cam 'ko nk baik, baik je lah. Jgn kisah hidup aku'. Something yg tak patut utk seorang yg tahu dan faham matlamat hidup fikir n katakan tapi itulah realiti.
During that session, kak afiqah(isu) was assigned to attend to my questions or inquiries that i might have. Like i said before, i thought they're gonna make us cry by talking something very touchy which i prepare myself not to fall for it.
But how foolish i were to think that way. I didnt really remember what kak Afiqah said at that time, but i remembered answering her question in a tone 'korang bajet korang bagus' and said something about lillahitaala (something which i never succeed at to a point of frustration). As i started talking about my frustration i suddenly feel very emotional, and started to cry. I didnt know why. That is not what i want. I dont want to cry!! I want to be tough. All those touch-muchy things wont get to me. But,how wrong i were, i cried not because of kak afiqah saying something touchy, instead i cried because of my own words, my own frustration that i've been kept for a long time without any treatment with the thought 'i can handle this'. A frustration to see how easy it looks for people to say and do something as lillahitaala.
To be continued..
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