Betul ke nak Syurga??

bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

i just want to share my feeling, what i feel right now.
i feel i need to write it down or to tell someone about this (insyaAllah after i finished writing this entry).

i cried really hard for realizing that I actually dont really want to go to heaven. I do want to go to heaven but i dont really do. Do you get me? watching all these sisters and brothers who really want to go to heaven make me feel so so bad. So bad that I feel im very sinful that I dont have a strong desire to go to the heaven. it really hit me on the face that there is something wrong with me. why i dont feel energetic or feel powerful to do my prayer, read the quran or make other optional ibadah.

after that incident, i thought that i finally know what is wrong with me so i wont be doing the same thing again. I'm going to improve myself after this so i can feel the pleasure of seeking for Allah like others do. i thought that is the ONLY problem that i have. i'm wrong. totally wrong. i thought i can strive even more to do my ibadah and to devote myself to Allah if im constantly reminding myself that I want HIS Jannah. but in real life, I just can't bring myself to strive real hard. I know change takes time, but i dont think that i am too rush to see the changes in me instead i feel there ARE other wrong thing in me that I dont realize.

i watched a couple of videos on youtube for the intention to find something that can revive my heart. i browse many videos on youtube to search for the thing that i need for my heart. I decided to go for tafseer of simple surah to help me to memorize the surah as learning the Quran can purify and open your heart to Allah. However I can't bring myself to watch all those videos, either the video is too long or the surah. I keep browsing the youtube with hope I could find something to feed my soul, my iman. but i just give up. I dont need the title of the speech to be 'How to Purify your Heart' but whatever video that contain islamic message that i interested in.

Question about God by atheists always catch my attention. so i clicked for a video on youtube and it turned out to be the life story of Ustadz Nouman Ali Khan which led me to watch another video of him. After that i realized another problem that i have is I believe there is unseen world, eg; syurga, but i dont really believe Allah's syurga has much much much better things than what existed in this world.

after watching both videos i realized I dont have SINCERITY. the sincerity of knowing Allah and Islam for guidance. Soalan2 yg keluar dlm kepala waktu tu adalah seperti berikut: 'aku tak rasa contentment dlm solat n mengaji tu sbb aku tak ikhlas lagi lah maknanya?' 'aku tak rasa nk masuk syurga mcm org lain rasa sbb aku tak ikhlas pun nak kenal Allah tu? selama ni belajar kenal Allah sbb org lain pun belajar kenal Allah sbb taknak ketinggalan?' 'kira aku ni bukan nak sgt la kena pandu ke arah yg lurus, just ckp je lebih?' (ok teringat surah As-Saf ayat 2 T.T)

and the next question that popped in my head is 'tang mana nak cari ikhlas untuk kenal Allah?' or 'cammana nak ikhlas nak cari Allah'. tak kisahlah jawapan untuk yang mana2 pun but what i really want to find is perasaan ikhlas itu sendiri sbb i think that's one of my underlying problems for what happen to me now. A lot more wrongdoings to be discovered and to be corrected.

May Allah guides me and you in seeking His pleasure. InsyaAllah, amiin.