Don’t want to be better.

From the first time I joined tarbiyah,

I thought I will never be the one who joins tarbiyah because of trend,

The same arrogance that makes me think that way ends up destroying myself inside and out.

Is it the haphazard of being a student who study to get good grades?

Because I remember treating tarbiyah as an exam.

In which I always study and do revisions at the very last minute.

After I get all the materials from my naqibah I only plan to look at it again if it is needed.

When? When I have to have usrah of my own.

I remember being introduced to tarbiyah 3 years ago,

But I failed to remember the excitement, or the feelings of wanting to be a better Muslim,

Now, I doubt myself.

Was there any moments where I really feel like becoming a better Muslim and committed to be one?

Now, I doubt myself who joined tarbiyah for the first time 3 years ago.

I may have not joined tarbiyah 3 years ago because of trend but I did joined tarbiyah because of reputation.

To hold the reputation of being a 'good' person.

Now I wonder,

What was the definition of 'good' that I was aiming for.

Was it just covering my aurah, going to musolla, joining tarbiyah and friend with nice people?

It wasn’t tarbiyah that I was interested to, it was the reputation that came with it.

Although no one can actually verified that the reputation that comes with joining tarbiyah is a something good,

But at least to me, it is.

I started wrong.

Didn’t realized about it and continue with this path.

Along the way, I can assure you,

I constantly and always feel like I do not belong here,

This isn't a place where a person like me can live in,

To breath the air of tarbiyah never failed to choke me up.

From the beginning of this journey,

I never really committed to leave my past life,

Because it was FUN!!

Who don’t want to have fun?

Every time I did move on from that lifestyle,

I constantly being dragged back to my old life. My old self.

I never want to be committed to become a better Muslim to begin with.

It worries me every time this topic come into play.

But, when it isn't, I am like an ignorant Muslim.

Or worse. Because I know better about the consequences..

Some might say this questions is out of question, doesn't make any sense,

But I always wonder, "Do one actually have to be born with good characteristics to be able to behave in one?"

"Is it something that can be nutured to begin with?"

"Is it true that your root will determine who you are?"

"If yes, is that the reason how much I tried to be better I end up being in the same place? Because I don’t have good roots"

"How come there is non-yet Muslim with good characters?"

"Is wanting to be a better person or being one have anything to do with having a good roots?

After asking all that,

I ask myself.

"is it an excuse for me to shift the blame of my failure to commit in this tarbiyah?"

OR "if my concern is true, what do I do?"

Some might ask where do I get this idea of your root determine who you are.

I heard it many times.

People will say, just because you heard it many times doesn’t mean it is true.

But I am convinced after being told about it so many times.

Somehow, it makes me to loss my faith in

"You are the one who can change yourself".

Yes I can, but there is limit to it.

It feels like to me that my root is a moderator to how much better can I be.

If this is just me thinking wrongly,

Someone please,

Please tell me so.

I don’t wish it to be true.

But after a countless failure I am more convinced about that.

That your root will determine how far you can go.

I really wish it is not true.

Believe me, I don’t want to believe in that.

But things that happened makes me to feel and to think that way.

Hilang..

     This was written by me on Thursday, October 30, 2014. I post it to remind me what I felt those days and to make me ask myself, "where did the feelings go?"

     Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

After a long long break, here I am writing on this blog. Almost 3 months.

My real intention was to update the blog to get rid of non-sense post but it turned out to be a session of throwback. I read all the post that I've wrote in 2014 so far. I found something in common in this year's posts.

       It was all about my struggle to keep up being a good muslim. And guess what, I'm still at the same spot I've ever been since early this year, or should I say worse? This is no longer "pengislahan" but "kemerosotan" *sigh

       Another common thing that I found in all my posts is I always talk about the daurah I attended to.Going to daurah is always an emotional roller-coaster for me. Never feel at peace. I'm always having battle of the year between my nafs and my iman during those times. I attended three daurahs since the last time, Sejarah Usrah, 3 Marhalah Dakwah and recently, Dakwah Kita. Dengar tajuk untuk all those daurahs cukup buatkan diri ni rasa nak menyorok. Sepanjang pengisian, I felt so small because I don’t think I should be the one listening to all these pengisian dakwah whatsoever. Tapi, I will feel even worse if I don’t be one of the people who get the chance to attend the daurahs. That's why I went to all the daurahs although sometimes I think I can't handle the contents of the daurahs.

        If I to write what I felt and what happened in the three daurahs (inside out) this will be such a long long post. But Iwant to mention a moment that I had in one of the daurahs. The moment when akak let go of my hand to leave the circle. I felt something that I'd never felt before as reality hit me. Empty. Scared. Anxious. The reality that we are going to be the one who responsible for the perjuangan yang telah dilakukan oleh manusia2 yg sebelumnya. And unlike in other daurahs, I'd blanked and almost had nothing to complaint. Usually, complaint jugaklah at least dalam hati, tapi kali ni rasa mcm atas angin. Maybe sbb duk fikir pasal exam hari isnin yg buatkan hati and akal rasa 'okay okay' tanpa banyak bantahan.

       Hasilnya, itulah daurah yg paling tak buat aku berfikir. Ada baiknya jadi rebellious at least reflect banyak benda

. Yg membawa kepada emotional and feeling down yg overdose sampai orang malaysia pun telefon US. -.-

Dan sebab tahu and rasa yg takde siapa boleh tolong melainkan diri sendiri, I decided to handle it by myself. Walaupun agak destructive tapi dah tiba masa to take control over my life without depending on others. I still need people but sometimes it's better to handle it by myself. I took a long walk with headphone on then read "La Tahzan". I feel enlighten after such a long time. A feeling that I had not feel for a long time. I really wanted to do it again, alone.