Hilang..

     This was written by me on Thursday, October 30, 2014. I post it to remind me what I felt those days and to make me ask myself, "where did the feelings go?"

     Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

After a long long break, here I am writing on this blog. Almost 3 months.

My real intention was to update the blog to get rid of non-sense post but it turned out to be a session of throwback. I read all the post that I've wrote in 2014 so far. I found something in common in this year's posts.

       It was all about my struggle to keep up being a good muslim. And guess what, I'm still at the same spot I've ever been since early this year, or should I say worse? This is no longer "pengislahan" but "kemerosotan" *sigh

       Another common thing that I found in all my posts is I always talk about the daurah I attended to.Going to daurah is always an emotional roller-coaster for me. Never feel at peace. I'm always having battle of the year between my nafs and my iman during those times. I attended three daurahs since the last time, Sejarah Usrah, 3 Marhalah Dakwah and recently, Dakwah Kita. Dengar tajuk untuk all those daurahs cukup buatkan diri ni rasa nak menyorok. Sepanjang pengisian, I felt so small because I don’t think I should be the one listening to all these pengisian dakwah whatsoever. Tapi, I will feel even worse if I don’t be one of the people who get the chance to attend the daurahs. That's why I went to all the daurahs although sometimes I think I can't handle the contents of the daurahs.

        If I to write what I felt and what happened in the three daurahs (inside out) this will be such a long long post. But Iwant to mention a moment that I had in one of the daurahs. The moment when akak let go of my hand to leave the circle. I felt something that I'd never felt before as reality hit me. Empty. Scared. Anxious. The reality that we are going to be the one who responsible for the perjuangan yang telah dilakukan oleh manusia2 yg sebelumnya. And unlike in other daurahs, I'd blanked and almost had nothing to complaint. Usually, complaint jugaklah at least dalam hati, tapi kali ni rasa mcm atas angin. Maybe sbb duk fikir pasal exam hari isnin yg buatkan hati and akal rasa 'okay okay' tanpa banyak bantahan.

       Hasilnya, itulah daurah yg paling tak buat aku berfikir. Ada baiknya jadi rebellious at least reflect banyak benda

. Yg membawa kepada emotional and feeling down yg overdose sampai orang malaysia pun telefon US. -.-

Dan sebab tahu and rasa yg takde siapa boleh tolong melainkan diri sendiri, I decided to handle it by myself. Walaupun agak destructive tapi dah tiba masa to take control over my life without depending on others. I still need people but sometimes it's better to handle it by myself. I took a long walk with headphone on then read "La Tahzan". I feel enlighten after such a long time. A feeling that I had not feel for a long time. I really wanted to do it again, alone.