rant kosong

Alhamdulillah..
I've got another opportunity to write another entry in this blog. Nothing much to write, but I just have the feeling of typing. Yes, typing with no intention of discussing any specific topic.

I just finished my Spring semester last 2 weeks (Alhamdulillah Spring semester was wrapped up nicely) then worked full time at a residential hall for 7 days and after 2 days break I started my May session class today. Not really enjoying summer holiday though but it is better than doing nothing.

Working my second job in my life have been pretty interesting. I've nice coworkers and supervisor, plenty of time to rest after doing so much work (it depends), and get to know other cultures which is pretty fun. Despite the nice environment there is always something that makes me feel uncomfortable to work - working with guys.

Seriously, I'm fine working with guys but when they don't know what I couldn't do as a Muslim women then it becomes hard. I mean it is hard to say 'no' to them. Perhaps some might think just explain to them why I can't do a certain thing because I am a Muslim but seriously I don't know how. I mean my english isn't that good and sometimes 'it' happened so sudden. And to explain why I can't do certain things because of Syaria'ah laws to someone who does not know much or very little about Islam is not very wise I think. Well, I don't know if my thought is right or wrong but so far I believe that's the best way.

That's the only thing about working that I like the least. And another thing that I don't like much is when people watch me doing my work. Other than that, I'm good ^^

*oh, i think i did have specific topic to write actually.. hehe

Misi diteruskan

إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ تَوَفَّىٰهُمُ ٱلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةُ ظَالِمِيٓ أَنفُسِهِمۡ قَالُواْ فِيمَ كُنتُمۡۖ قَالُواْ كُنَّا مُسۡتَضۡعَفِينَ فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِۚ قَالُوٓاْ أَلَمۡ تَكُنۡ أَرۡضُ ٱللَّهِ وَٰسِعَةٗ فَتُهَاجِرُواْ فِيهَاۚ فَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ مَأۡوَىٰهُمۡ جَهَنَّمُۖ وَسَآءَتۡ مَصِيرًا

Translation:

As for those whose souls are taken by the angels (at death) while in a state of unbelief, they will be asked by the angels: "What (state) were you in?" They will answer: "We were oppressed in the land." And the angels will say: "Was not God's earth large enough for you to migrate?" Their abode will be Hell, and what an evil destination! (4:97)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
Ahamdulillah,
Sudah sekian lama tidak menulis di laman blog, harini kembali menulis. Seperti biasa, blog ini selalnya hanya akan ada entry baru bila empunya blog ada masalah jiwa yg kronik or isu-isu yang duk menghujani kepala otak beliau.

       Sebulan dua kebelakangan ni sangat tak produktif, Allah. Lemah betul badan nak beramal disebabkan hati dan iman yang rapuh. Setiap kali baru nak bangkit and bersemangat untuk teruskan misi mengislahkan diri, tak lama selepas itu pasti relapse. Sudah terlampau banyak kali relapse yang akhirnya mendatangkan kelelahan kepada diri sendiri terutamanya dari segi emosi.

       Kenapa emosi? Sebab apabila asyik buat 'battle of the year' antara nafsu dan iman yang mana bila iman lemah dan nafsu tengah bermaharajalela akan timbul rasa bersalah. Bersalah sangat-sangat. Teringat Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan ada cakap (lebih kurang macam ni la):

"apabila kita berada ditengah-tengah kejahilan dan kebenaran (prinsip2 dalam Islam yang perlu kita patuhi), kita akan mula 'debate' dengan diri kita 'yang mana satu aku perlu pilih ni?' Keadaan yang akan membuatkan kita rasa bersalah(guilty), dan untuk hilangkan perasaan bersalah tu manusia akan pilih satu daripada dua jalan tadi dan tinggalkan jauh2 jalan yang satu lagi"

       Yang mana sangat bagus dan beruntunglah sekiranya jalan yang dipilih adalah jalan kebenaran tetapi sangat rugi dan membahayakan apabila manusia pilih jalan kejahilan untuk hilangkan rasa bersalah tadi. Personally, I feel many of us choose the latter because it is way easier to violate the syari'ah laws than to obey them, yet it is the most dangerous choice a human can make. 

        Allah.. penat. Penat sangat lawan nafsu sendiri. Tambah lagi bila iman tak kuat. Rasa sangat tak larat, kalau di gelanggang perlawanan taek-wan-do kira knock out habis dah. Tak larat nak bangun. Langsung tak terdaya nak buat apa2. 

One day I came across a tweet of my friend and the meaning is something like this:

"kalau bukan diri sendiri yang mengubah diri untuk jadi lebih baik dan kuat untuk melawan nafsu, then siapa lagi? tiada siapa yang boleh tolong kita melainkan diri kita sendiri".

        To be honest, rasa diri sangat sangat sangat lah tak bersyukur, bukan setakat tu rasa sangat takbur, dan rasa memang tak layak pegang title 'hamba' pun. Down, down sangat, tapi itupun sebab kelalaian diri sendiri. Then, setelah beberapa lama, Al-Quran dibukak dan dibaca. Apabila come across ayat ni 

"He who does evil or acts against his own interests (by disbelieving), then prays for God's forgiveness, will find God compassionate and merciful." (An-Nisa': 110)

macam2 thoughts and feelings ada. Rasa bersalah, terharu, dan yang perasaan yang paling dominant, rasa MALU. Even dengan manusia yang kita selalu buat tak baik terhadap dia tapi dia still layan kita baik, siap tolong kita wktu susah dan belanja makan pun kita rasa segan dan malu dengan org tu (usually lah tak tau pulak ada kes terpencil yang tak dilaporkan). Ni kan dengan Allah yang bagi kita senang, bagi rezeki, bagi nikmat sihat. I repeat, B.A.G.I, and Allah bagi melaui manusia2 dan makhluk2 di atas muka bumi.

Up until now, perasaan dan thoughts yg sama datang setiap kali baca ayat ni. 

      Pada ayat ke-97 surah yang sama, yakni sebelum ayat tadi, Allah cakap pasal hijrah.

إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ تَوَفَّىٰهُمُ ٱلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةُ ظَالِمِيٓ أَنفُسِهِمۡ قَالُواْ فِيمَ كُنتُمۡۖ قَالُواْ كُنَّا مُسۡتَضۡعَفِينَ فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِۚ قَالُوٓاْ أَلَمۡ تَكُنۡ أَرۡضُ ٱللَّهِ وَٰسِعَةٗ فَتُهَاجِرُواْ فِيهَاۚ فَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ مَأۡوَىٰهُمۡ جَهَنَّمُۖ وَسَآءَتۡ مَصِيرًا

Translation:

As for those whose souls are taken by the angels (at death) while in a state of unbelief, they will be asked by the angels: "What (state) were you in?" They will answer: "We were oppressed in the land." And the angels will say: "Was not God's earth large enough for you to migrate?" Their abode will be Hell, and what an evil destination!

      Ayat yang buatkan hati berdetik, aku pun kena hijrah ke tempat lain. Tak boleh sentiasa ada kat rumah, perlu hijrah keluar daripada rumah. Cari persekitaran yang boleh buatkan diri rasa semangat dan lebih fokus untuk menuntut ilmu dan rancang gerak geri tarbiyah diri dan melaksanakannya. Sudah tiba waktunya untukku mengambil selangkah lagi tapak ke hadapan secara serius dalam pengislahan diri.

Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir. Amiin..

Incongruence

April 9 (12.28am)

Harini terlintas dlm fikiran(berangan) nnti bila dah habis belajar tak sabar nk kerja kat mana2 company sbb nk cari income so boleh sumbang kat society (anak2 muda yg yatim especially) dgn p mengajar diorang. N p bagi talk kat bnyk tmpat. Bukan harini je tp dah bnyak kali ada thoughts and feeling yg mcm ni..

After that.. I get 2 reminders that make me think really hard (not really)

1. Women need to be educated in ilmu agama islam sbb they are going to educate the ummah by raising their children. They need to have enough/adequate(never going to be enough actually) knowledge of islam so the future generation of this ummah is a generation of knowledge.

2. Belajar bnyak2 ilmu agama utk bntukkn/kukuhkan asas tntg islam apbila masih brgelar plajar. Tiada baiknya tergesa2 utk mngajar ktika masih blajar sbb kita nnti kurg masa utk blajar apa yg ptut kita blajar especially since we are too young. And after grad uni pun still bergelar pelajar slgi ilmu di dada masih x mantap.

Mungkin senang nk relatekn reminder #2 dgn apa yg saya fikirkan. Tp apa kaitan dgn reminder #1 tu? As a muslimah it is my obligation to seek for islamic knowledge as much as i can, read&memorize the quran, read more books, learn more about fiqh n so on. Tapi apa yg saya nk buat apbla dh habis bljar? Mengajar anak2(wlupun bukan anak sndiri) sesegera yg boleh. Ya Allah, what/how will i teach and educate them if i am not a muslimah of knowledge? 

My impian,harapan, and doa supaya i can help to build good characters in them so they can be pembela ummah. But again, how can i do that if i've lack of knowledge and worse im not a person with good characters myself. Deep sigh.

Nor Arifah Abdullah. You have to be more realistic. Make more effort to achieve ur dream of doing dakwah in ways that u want. 

Tumbang hari ni, bangun kembali keesokkan harinya. Tumbang lagi?? Jangan prnah jemu bangun. 

Dear Arifah, leave ur BED, PILLOW & COMFORTER. That is ur first mission. Pray harder.

the answer always lie in your heart..

asking where is ikhlas,, how to find ikhlas..

i think i found the answer to my questions.
astaghfirullahal'azim..and alhamdulillah..
thank you Allah for showing what I've been searching for..
Ya Allah, now i ask you to give me strength to act upon the answers you give me..

ya Allah, my heart is so dirty and filthy..
and it makes my entire being dirty too..
too many jahiliyyah, too many bad behaviors,
it's all because of my unclean heart..

this not only make it hard for me to find ikhlas,
but other things too..
how could i find and understand what is SABAR in this state of heart..
too dirty..
the HAQ and BATIL will never come together..
never ever..

Ya Allah, again, i seek for your help, give me strength to act upon the answers you've given me..
Ya Allah, i am too weak for a servant of you.. forgive me..lend me some strength ya Allah to make the changes that I should do to find you and to win your pleasure.. insyaAllah, amiin..

Betul ke nak Syurga??

bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

i just want to share my feeling, what i feel right now.
i feel i need to write it down or to tell someone about this (insyaAllah after i finished writing this entry).

i cried really hard for realizing that I actually dont really want to go to heaven. I do want to go to heaven but i dont really do. Do you get me? watching all these sisters and brothers who really want to go to heaven make me feel so so bad. So bad that I feel im very sinful that I dont have a strong desire to go to the heaven. it really hit me on the face that there is something wrong with me. why i dont feel energetic or feel powerful to do my prayer, read the quran or make other optional ibadah.

after that incident, i thought that i finally know what is wrong with me so i wont be doing the same thing again. I'm going to improve myself after this so i can feel the pleasure of seeking for Allah like others do. i thought that is the ONLY problem that i have. i'm wrong. totally wrong. i thought i can strive even more to do my ibadah and to devote myself to Allah if im constantly reminding myself that I want HIS Jannah. but in real life, I just can't bring myself to strive real hard. I know change takes time, but i dont think that i am too rush to see the changes in me instead i feel there ARE other wrong thing in me that I dont realize.

i watched a couple of videos on youtube for the intention to find something that can revive my heart. i browse many videos on youtube to search for the thing that i need for my heart. I decided to go for tafseer of simple surah to help me to memorize the surah as learning the Quran can purify and open your heart to Allah. However I can't bring myself to watch all those videos, either the video is too long or the surah. I keep browsing the youtube with hope I could find something to feed my soul, my iman. but i just give up. I dont need the title of the speech to be 'How to Purify your Heart' but whatever video that contain islamic message that i interested in.

Question about God by atheists always catch my attention. so i clicked for a video on youtube and it turned out to be the life story of Ustadz Nouman Ali Khan which led me to watch another video of him. After that i realized another problem that i have is I believe there is unseen world, eg; syurga, but i dont really believe Allah's syurga has much much much better things than what existed in this world.

after watching both videos i realized I dont have SINCERITY. the sincerity of knowing Allah and Islam for guidance. Soalan2 yg keluar dlm kepala waktu tu adalah seperti berikut: 'aku tak rasa contentment dlm solat n mengaji tu sbb aku tak ikhlas lagi lah maknanya?' 'aku tak rasa nk masuk syurga mcm org lain rasa sbb aku tak ikhlas pun nak kenal Allah tu? selama ni belajar kenal Allah sbb org lain pun belajar kenal Allah sbb taknak ketinggalan?' 'kira aku ni bukan nak sgt la kena pandu ke arah yg lurus, just ckp je lebih?' (ok teringat surah As-Saf ayat 2 T.T)

and the next question that popped in my head is 'tang mana nak cari ikhlas untuk kenal Allah?' or 'cammana nak ikhlas nak cari Allah'. tak kisahlah jawapan untuk yang mana2 pun but what i really want to find is perasaan ikhlas itu sendiri sbb i think that's one of my underlying problems for what happen to me now. A lot more wrongdoings to be discovered and to be corrected.

May Allah guides me and you in seeking His pleasure. InsyaAllah, amiin.

You are my Moon..

Awak,
You are one of the precious friends i've ever had.
Awak,
Moga Allah permudahkan urusan awak di dunia and akhirat.
Awak,
You are one of my biggest inspirations in my life.
Awak,
Saya sayang and cinta awak fillah..

Awak,
Saya teringin nak tanya awak something,
Am i really that kind of person?
Sebab saya pun tak yakin dengan diri saya,
Macam mana awak boleh yakin sangat saya macam tu?
Should I try to prove what you said?
For the sake of Allah.

Rindu Awak..

My typical 'rant'

Assalamualaikum..

(Dalam post yang terakhir saya ada sebut yang saya nak sambung cerita yang lepas. Tapi saya rasa tak jadilah sebab rasanya waktu tu saya terbawa2 di perasaan sangat. Tak nak tulis perkara yang tak menaikkan semangat harini ^^).

Alhamdulillah, I just get back from a daurah in Iowa State University with sisters there and a few sisters from other places. Literally I attended all the sessions during this daurah, however it seems like my heart and soul terbang melayang-layang kat tempat lain sepanang waktu tu. Saya mengalami perasaan yang sama ketika adanya daurah di rumah sendiri (ada ditulis dlm post sebelum ni). Perasaan yang di mana iman memang tengah merudum jatuh lagi laju mengalahkan kelajuan cahaya.

Serba salah sangat dengan akak-akak yang bersusah payah anjurkan program, tapi perasaan 'feelingless' tu mengatasi rasa serba salah dengan akak-akak. I made faces (buat muka) dalam sedar atau tidak. Tak tau la kenapa hati ni keras sangat waktu tu. I'm battling with my own devil sepanjang program tu berlangsung. I tell ye, it wasn't easy. Tambah2 apabila dah lama hiwa tak basah. Tahu, susah hati akhwat2 yang melihat diri ni sepanjang program, tapi percayalah, lagi susah hati saya sebenarnya. Adalah rasa nak lari balik apartment kat Minneapolis waktu tu. Adakah disebabkan hormon tak stabil waktu tu? or iman yang jatuh? or both?

Tapi, alhamdulillah by midnight perasaan tu makin lama makin menghilangkan diri. Berkat doa sahabat mungkin, hanya Allah yang tahu. Tak berapa ingat apa yang diperkatakan pada malam tu yang menyebabkan hati ni rasa kegesaan untuk cepat2 buang rasa ego dalam hati. Yang pasti. waktu tu hati n akal dah start proses isi-isi sepanjang program berlangsung.

selalu macam ni, mesti lambat processing. dah habis program baru rasa boleh nak cerna dengan hati n akal segala yang diperkatakan. hmmm.. And to be honest, saya takdalah terkesan sangat dengan penyampaian sepanjang program, tapi yang buatkan saya start nk menghadam segalanya dengan hati adalah manusia-manusia yang ada di situ. Kesungguhan untuk laksanakan syahadatul haq mereka. Pengorbanan masa, tenaga, and wang dollar mereka. Manusia2 ni memang berjaya tanpa gagal dalam buatkan hati n iman yang menurun ni untuk recharge to be fully charged (err.. mungkin tak full la, tapi better la daripada 'kong' terus).

• Khabar kemalangan 3 org ikhwah yang juga dlm prjalanan ke daurah tapi di tempat lain antara incident yang buatkan hati n akal ni untuk berfikir panjang. 
• kesungguhan akhwat2 memandu kereta dalam keadaam penat di tengah malam hingga ke pagi buta sangatlah inspirational.

Antara perkara yang terlintas dalam fikiran otw balik dari program adalah, Ya Allah sekiranya aku ditakdirkan mati dalam kemalangan, matikanlah aku dalam keadaan aku sedang melaksanakan kewajiban aku kepadaMU. Especially after incident kereta nyaris hilang kawalan sebab jalan terlampau icy.

Post saya selalu cakap pasal hati, jiwa, n perasaan diri sepanjang join tarbiyah ni. Nampak sangatlah betapa lemahnya lagi dirini. Orang lain dah laju ke depan menulis entry yang insyaAllah mampu membuatkan manusia berfikir akanNYA, tapi inilah diri saya. Arifah di alam millennium. (pinjam dialog KCB).

Ya Allah, jadikanlah aku seorang yang mampu melaksanakan perintahMU walau apa jua jalan yang aku pilih dalam hidup ini. AMIIN..