Pessimist or Realist?

Always be reminded to stay away from people who are dragging you down or try to discourage you from doing the thing that you do or wanted to do. But do we take sometimes to think and reflect if we are one of that people with that negative attitude?

When it is time for others to make decision for their own life, especially one with risk, we usually tell them not to do it instead encouraging them to take the new challenge. I wonder, is it an act of caring and worrying or is it an act of trying to stop people from achieving something greater in life?

Same thing goes when I'm with myself. When it comes to decision making that involves high risk, I always doubting myself. Am I not taking the risk as a precaution step from the adverse impact that might resulted from that decision? Or am I just stopping myself from succeeding in this life for not taking the risk?

Do I call that pessimistic or realistic? Sometimes, I don't know myself. I admit that I'm kinda pessimist but there were times when I just want to be realistic. What is the line between pessimistic and realistic? I really would like to know. Some say ask your own self, you actually have the answer yet you don't want to admit to that. I think only people with a pure heart can be honest with themselves. Me? I have long way to go to be in that state.

So, my question is how war can I go on being realistic but not fall to become a pessimistic?

20th birthday

Last few days,

I scrolled through my facebook pictures. The one that tagged by people.

I happened to find a picture posted by my friend wishing my 20th birthday. So, it was a post from a year ago.

It was a collage. With a verse from the Quran and two short paragraphs of speech.

When I read what was written on that 'picture', I thought to myself, 'why I don’t remember there was such a thing'.

It was short wishes but a very heartfelt one.

I forgot there was someone who told me to believe in myself.

Telling how I am actually an important person. It just me who need to trust myself more.

Reminding me that even if I don’t trust myself, I should trust in Allah's power and ability to make anything possible.

Even if I don’t trust myself that I can make something great, I should have trust in Allah that He can make it happen.

I just need to pray for it.

I knew it. It just that I'm too overwhelmed with too much worries and doubts that I forgot about it. 

It's nice to go back to the memory lane. Though some is so bitter that I almost spite the memory out of my life. But again, alhamdulillah I'm still standing. High. And higher. InsyaAllah.

Raihan sang it!!

Weyh!!! Mana iman??!!

Mana iman??!!

Soalan yang hanya akan keluar bila dah serabut alam.

Like serabut yang sangat-sangat.

Baru tu ingat nak cari mana iman.

Tapi takat mana je yang aku jumpa?

Asyik tenggelam timbul jer.

Memanglah iman tu turun naik,

Tapi apa kejadah kalau naik sejam turun berbulan2 lamanya.

Ironi sangat aku rasa weyh!

Belajar pasal iman dari PASTI smpi SPM,

Tapi bila nak cari iman tu macam tak jumpa2 pulak.

Kekadang rasa macam beriman, sekejap,

Pastu rasa macam mengucap syaitan tengok perangai aku.

Mungkin sebab terasa macam beriman tulah tanda tak cukup iman sebenarnya. *long sigh

Little did I know,

Iman tu bertanda bila you can feel peace in your heart.

You left everything that you love for another love.

You do everything to get that another love.

And when you've done all that, and you feel a sense of peacefulness in your heart, mind and soul,

Maybe that's when iman make a tick in your heart.

You don’t say it, you just feel it.

But little did I know.

Funny enough 'cause I say I wanna be a true muslim but my thoughts and my actions just don’t match at all.

It just I don’t really want it wholeheartedly this whole time.

My love for things and people are greater than my love for Him.

That is when Raihan's song echoes through my earphones

Tanpamu iman bagaimanalah

Merasa diri hamba padanya

Tanpamu iman bagaimanalah

Menjadi hamba Allah yang bertaqwa.

*I keep playing it as a background music while doing 'this'

Conclusion: Iman just not visited me this whole time. Or it did but I made no room for it. And I strongly believe the latter is the most appropriate conclusion.

BIG QUESTION: So, mana nak mula cari??? Or paling tepat mana nak cari kekuatan nak cari iman? Sebab rasanya jalan tu dah terang. Tapi nak melangkah tu….sampai sekarang tak pernah jadi.

Pelangi ^^

Pelangi itu indah kerana warnanya

7 warna yang berbeza

Tetapi apabila mereka bersama

Subhanallah, mata yang memandang terposana jadinya.

"Differences make us beautiful"

Begitu jugalah kehidupan berteman

Menemui insan yang perlbagai

Adalah satu rahmat.

Mereka mencantikkan jalan kita menuju alam yang kekal.

Walau kadangkala kita merasakan kerenah dan mehnah mereka menguji tahap keimanan kita,

Tidakkan kita sedar itu adalah rahmat daripada-Nya?

Yang mencantikkan perjalanan ke sana.

Kerana mereka,

Kita muhasabah kembali dimana kita sebagai seorang Muslim/ah

'Jika aku tidak mampu berakhlak mulia dengan sahabat seislam sendiri,

Apatah lagi dengan saudara-saudara seislam yang memerlukan aku?

Aku berterima kasih kepada Allah,

Kerana Allah memakbulkan doa aku untuk berteman dengan mereka yang juga mencintai-Mu,

Walau aku harus aku akui terkadang aku tidak menyukai mereka atas sebab kelemahan sendiri,

Kelemahan yang hadir kerana aku kerana tidak meletakkan Engkau dalam hati.

Sekiranya sahabat-sahabatku tidak pernah merasakan aku ini beban dan mengganggu hidup mereka yang punya tribulasi yang tersendiri,

Malah ditolongnya aku,

Disayangnya aku,

Dipimpinya aku,

Tetap bersabar denganku,

Adalah tidak wajar untuk aku berasakan yang sedemikian.

Sekiranya makhluk dunia dan langit menangisi pemergian kamu semua kerana kehilangan jiwa yang mencintaiNya,

Apakah wajar bagiku untuk tidak menitiskan air mata dan merasa kehilangan.

Air mata kerinduan untuk seorang sahabat

Seorang sahabat yang tidak perlu bicara tetapi mengenalinya sudah cukup memberi semangat dan inspirasi,

Namun insyaAllah air mataku takkan tumpah lama,

Kerana insyaAllah aku yakin pintu langit terbuka luas untuk menerima sahabat-sahabatku yang ku saksikan kesungguhan mereka memburu cinta Tuhan dan Rasulnya.

Aku bangga menyatakan kepada orang ramai,

Aku berteman dengan kamu semua.

Aku tidak pandai menunjukkan kasih,

Terkadang kerana aku kisah aku ternampak kasar,

Tolong maafkan.

Banyak hati telah aku guris, namun aku mohon maafkan.

Aku mohon agar Allah tambahkan kasih sayang dalam hatiku untuk mencintai semua yang berada disekelilingku semata-mata untuk mencari redhanya.

Amiin.

With this,

I'm declaring a war on myself.

A war to be a sahabat just like what my sahabats do to me and even better.

Pray hard. Aim high.

InsyaAllah all your names are safely engraved in my heart and my du'a.

You are my Moon.

Kau tidak seperti dulu

Yang ku kenali dulu

Rupa hilang seri manakah manisnya

Kau tidak seperti dulu

Yang ku kenali dulu

Madah tak berlagu

 manakah girangnya

Smile. Keep smiling. I've seen those over the years. And I still wanna see them in the future. Believe me when I say your smile give strength to those who see it.

Patah hati!

jangan terdampar sepi

 jangan tersungkur mati

Patah hati!

Jangan leburkan mimpi

Jangan memakan diri

I know you might be broken-hearted. I know it is difficult for you. But dear, do you ever realized what you have achieved so far. Years passed, but you are still standing. You are a living proof to your own self. For that, be proud and have faith that you're gonna make it to the end. The ending that you've always dream of and pray for it to be a reality.

Bukankah tuhan jadikan malam

Untuk beradu menanti siang

Bukankah tuhan titiskan hujan

Menanti limpah kemarau panjang.

When they say "every cloud has a silver lining", it is brutally true. Because we have to go through the pain before we can obtain what Allah has decreed upon us. But one thing we should always keep in mind, that silver lining might not be for us, but for others . It helps them to find the true path in this life. And dear, for you is the silver lining in Jannah al-Firdaus for your struggle cast light upon other people's life, ameen. And I pray that you will also get to see your silver lining in this world.

Bubbles

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I was called to write after reading my friend’s post on her blog.

Her writing makes me to think and ponder back about myself and the life that I’ve been living so far.

The life I’ve spent living in my own bubble. I care too much about privacy. Two years living away from my family and living with a friend in an apartment make it worse. I care about myself more than before. Never thought it is wrong. Or I should say that I cannot see anything wrong with it. I just exercise my right to have privacy. ‘MY RIGHT’. I think that phrase really get me in being who I am now.

My friend mentioned in her post that this attitude is the reason for the uncaring behavior to the less fortunate and the continuous misfortune and crazy events that are happening right now. People  with this attitude delude themselves by thinking that they are good as long as they don’t cause trouble to others. They condemn all the bad things that happen in this world yet they do nothing to make any change to it. Why? Because they are so comfortable in their own bubble and care no more about others. It sounds just like me.

Sometimes because we want others to give us privacy we don’t give a second to ask about their wellbeing. And then, we think we’re doing something right when actually we are doing them just harm. The harm of being alone and caring for only oneself.

Give reminder to others so others will remind you too. I remember saying something similar to a friend of mine and the reminder comes to find me too. Alhamdulillah.

Don’t want to be better.

From the first time I joined tarbiyah,

I thought I will never be the one who joins tarbiyah because of trend,

The same arrogance that makes me think that way ends up destroying myself inside and out.

Is it the haphazard of being a student who study to get good grades?

Because I remember treating tarbiyah as an exam.

In which I always study and do revisions at the very last minute.

After I get all the materials from my naqibah I only plan to look at it again if it is needed.

When? When I have to have usrah of my own.

I remember being introduced to tarbiyah 3 years ago,

But I failed to remember the excitement, or the feelings of wanting to be a better Muslim,

Now, I doubt myself.

Was there any moments where I really feel like becoming a better Muslim and committed to be one?

Now, I doubt myself who joined tarbiyah for the first time 3 years ago.

I may have not joined tarbiyah 3 years ago because of trend but I did joined tarbiyah because of reputation.

To hold the reputation of being a 'good' person.

Now I wonder,

What was the definition of 'good' that I was aiming for.

Was it just covering my aurah, going to musolla, joining tarbiyah and friend with nice people?

It wasn’t tarbiyah that I was interested to, it was the reputation that came with it.

Although no one can actually verified that the reputation that comes with joining tarbiyah is a something good,

But at least to me, it is.

I started wrong.

Didn’t realized about it and continue with this path.

Along the way, I can assure you,

I constantly and always feel like I do not belong here,

This isn't a place where a person like me can live in,

To breath the air of tarbiyah never failed to choke me up.

From the beginning of this journey,

I never really committed to leave my past life,

Because it was FUN!!

Who don’t want to have fun?

Every time I did move on from that lifestyle,

I constantly being dragged back to my old life. My old self.

I never want to be committed to become a better Muslim to begin with.

It worries me every time this topic come into play.

But, when it isn't, I am like an ignorant Muslim.

Or worse. Because I know better about the consequences..

Some might say this questions is out of question, doesn't make any sense,

But I always wonder, "Do one actually have to be born with good characteristics to be able to behave in one?"

"Is it something that can be nutured to begin with?"

"Is it true that your root will determine who you are?"

"If yes, is that the reason how much I tried to be better I end up being in the same place? Because I don’t have good roots"

"How come there is non-yet Muslim with good characters?"

"Is wanting to be a better person or being one have anything to do with having a good roots?

After asking all that,

I ask myself.

"is it an excuse for me to shift the blame of my failure to commit in this tarbiyah?"

OR "if my concern is true, what do I do?"

Some might ask where do I get this idea of your root determine who you are.

I heard it many times.

People will say, just because you heard it many times doesn’t mean it is true.

But I am convinced after being told about it so many times.

Somehow, it makes me to loss my faith in

"You are the one who can change yourself".

Yes I can, but there is limit to it.

It feels like to me that my root is a moderator to how much better can I be.

If this is just me thinking wrongly,

Someone please,

Please tell me so.

I don’t wish it to be true.

But after a countless failure I am more convinced about that.

That your root will determine how far you can go.

I really wish it is not true.

Believe me, I don’t want to believe in that.

But things that happened makes me to feel and to think that way.

Hilang..

     This was written by me on Thursday, October 30, 2014. I post it to remind me what I felt those days and to make me ask myself, "where did the feelings go?"

     Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

After a long long break, here I am writing on this blog. Almost 3 months.

My real intention was to update the blog to get rid of non-sense post but it turned out to be a session of throwback. I read all the post that I've wrote in 2014 so far. I found something in common in this year's posts.

       It was all about my struggle to keep up being a good muslim. And guess what, I'm still at the same spot I've ever been since early this year, or should I say worse? This is no longer "pengislahan" but "kemerosotan" *sigh

       Another common thing that I found in all my posts is I always talk about the daurah I attended to.Going to daurah is always an emotional roller-coaster for me. Never feel at peace. I'm always having battle of the year between my nafs and my iman during those times. I attended three daurahs since the last time, Sejarah Usrah, 3 Marhalah Dakwah and recently, Dakwah Kita. Dengar tajuk untuk all those daurahs cukup buatkan diri ni rasa nak menyorok. Sepanjang pengisian, I felt so small because I don’t think I should be the one listening to all these pengisian dakwah whatsoever. Tapi, I will feel even worse if I don’t be one of the people who get the chance to attend the daurahs. That's why I went to all the daurahs although sometimes I think I can't handle the contents of the daurahs.

        If I to write what I felt and what happened in the three daurahs (inside out) this will be such a long long post. But Iwant to mention a moment that I had in one of the daurahs. The moment when akak let go of my hand to leave the circle. I felt something that I'd never felt before as reality hit me. Empty. Scared. Anxious. The reality that we are going to be the one who responsible for the perjuangan yang telah dilakukan oleh manusia2 yg sebelumnya. And unlike in other daurahs, I'd blanked and almost had nothing to complaint. Usually, complaint jugaklah at least dalam hati, tapi kali ni rasa mcm atas angin. Maybe sbb duk fikir pasal exam hari isnin yg buatkan hati and akal rasa 'okay okay' tanpa banyak bantahan.

       Hasilnya, itulah daurah yg paling tak buat aku berfikir. Ada baiknya jadi rebellious at least reflect banyak benda

. Yg membawa kepada emotional and feeling down yg overdose sampai orang malaysia pun telefon US. -.-

Dan sebab tahu and rasa yg takde siapa boleh tolong melainkan diri sendiri, I decided to handle it by myself. Walaupun agak destructive tapi dah tiba masa to take control over my life without depending on others. I still need people but sometimes it's better to handle it by myself. I took a long walk with headphone on then read "La Tahzan". I feel enlighten after such a long time. A feeling that I had not feel for a long time. I really wanted to do it again, alone.